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A funny thing happened on the way to the kennel - laughing dogs

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Get the Book

Security is a serious business. Searching a vacated building for a bomb, facing down bad guys, or pinpointing a drug dealer's stash can be a bit tense; but there are some funny stress-relieving moments too. Those are the moments that are documented in this E-book called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Kennel". Following are a few sample stories.   
 For 100 more all-true stories, CLICK HERE 

Note: Our dogs love kids and so do we, so keep them clean enough for kids who visit this page.

Dogs drool, bitches rule!

Embarrassing true story:
I stood proudly in uniform with my magnificent Llewellyn Dobe sitting calmly, but alertly beside me as the crowd filtered out of the multi-million dollar antique show. We were hired to do a building search for "hiders" and to protect the site overnight.
As my client, the manager of the show approached with several dignitaries, I could see he was pleased, and I couldn't help thinking "I look so good, Robert Redford, eat your heart out" .... BUT ..... just as the big shots were about to comment on my beautiful animal, the dog threw up on their shoes! ....... Bev McQuain

Dog checking p-mail

My dog can read
I was introducing my dog to a restaurant under renovation that he was to guard. The dog had a strange quirk in that he would not go through a tight spot. A door had to be wide open or he would balk. (I guess he had been caught by a spring door when he was younger.)

There was a section of the building with posh furniture and carpet. Access to the section was through an opening in a planter wall. I didn't want the dog to go into that section, so I placed a "THIS SECTION CLOSED" sign in the middle of the opening, and said "See that?".... The dog looked, and we walked on.

A workman shouted "Hey are you saying that dog can read?"

I replied "Well, watch.", and I squeezed past the sign but the dog who had been at my side in perfect obedience, planted four feet and wouldn't go through, no matter how much I shouted and tugged.

I moved the sign (now there was lots of room), and the dog walked through as though nothing was wrong.

Each time the sign was in the doorway, the dog couldn't be forced through; remove it and he would trot on through.

Somewhere there is a work crew that believes my dog can read. .... Bev McQuain

Scrapyard dog cartoon
Yea, I got a position with the security
division of a scrap yard!
Idea stolen from "The Far Side"

Six-pack of trackers - true story
We were assigned to patrol a remote hydro line under construction through a forest. Knowing that no one would be out there in the dead of winter; (deep snow, freezing cold, miles from nowhere), I took my old patriarch
dog; ... and for fun, a litter of 6, six month old Dobe pups.

We were all alone, so no need for leashes.The old scout would run ahead, and when he'd spot a trail crossing ours, his head would go down and he'd "track the villain" until I'd call him back to my side. Of course behind him, bouncing, falling, disappearing into the snow, gallumped a gangly six-pack of pups.

One day, my dog was beside me on leash, when the pups, running ahead, spotted a trail of what must have been a huge animal according to the size of the prints ...Snowshoes! All six took off into the bush after their quarry. My shouts meant nothing to them, this trail was easy to follow.

I heard a cry form the woods, and when I got to the source, I found my pack of "wild" Dobes barking at the base of a tree in which was a hydro inspector, still wearing one snowshoe.

I assured him that they were just pups.

He replied "They sure as Hell don't look like pups, comin' through the bush like that!!"

He later saw the humour of the situation, and didn't report me so we kept the contract. ... Bev McQuain

This true story is rated "PG"

It  takes place on the same trail, on another day, with the same gang of boistous pups.

First, let me say I am Canadian, but I really hate the cold!  When I ventured out in the February weather, I put on a long underwear, over which I put on pajamas, then a pair of pants, then another loose pair of pants. On top, were a number of sweaters, a jacket, and over the whole thing, I wore a Snowmobile suit. ... (I looked like a deep sea diver, but I was warm!)
zip.gif (3900 bytes)

Deep in the snow-packed woods, I had to answer nature's call.  I had to unzip the snowmobile suit, then the first pair of pants, then the second pair of pants. Then there was a big stretch to get past the bulk of all the clothing. 

Despite the "shrinkage" due to the cold, I achieved success, BUT ... before I finished, one of the exuberant pups jumped and hit me in the middle of the back. I instinctively flung my arms out to retain my balance; and ended up caught in 3 zippers!!! ... (only the men who have had a similar experience will know the agony)

There I stood, freezing, unable to move, afraid to just "rip" myself free. I was sure I would be found there in the spring, still standing motionless with a grimace on my frozen face.  

...... MAKE MY DAY!!!

Then there's the guy who called his dog "Herpes" 'cause he wouldn't heel!

Mad Dog McGee

No Dogs Allowed.
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.
The waiter said "Hey!, you can't bring a dog in here."
The man indignantly claimed "I'm blind! ... this is my Seeing Eye dog!"
"You're trying to tell me" said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?"
"What???!!", cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Cross a Great Pyrenees with a Dachshund and get a Pyra-dachs, a puzzling breed.*

Cross a Curly Coated Retriever with a Labrador Retriever for a lab-coat retriever, a favorite with research scientists.*
* as seen in Reader's Digest

... And speaking of crosses ...Ron DeMerchant, an ex-Llewellyn employee submits this true story: . While patrolling with a recently groomed Llewellyn Bouvier, I overheard two inebriated campers discussing how the security was "pretty serious" because we had dogs.
"Yeah", one guy said, "they got Shepherds, they got Dobes and that funny looking dog too."
"Hey!" says the other guy, "Don't laugh. I saw them dogs on TV. They're really vicious."
"Oh yeah!?" says the first guy, "My Pit Bull could take him out!"
"Hey man!!" says the other "You don't wanna mess with no Dobermann-Poodle cross, it'll chew your Pit to pieces!!"
"Yeah man, I saw it on TV, I tell ya!"

The hand that feeds him

A well known Guide Dog Trainer, Al Mitchell, told me that:
A Blind person walking down Yonge Street in Toronto, commanded his dog to turn right to what he thought was the subway entrance. He had miscalculated, and found himself completely disoriented in a dead-end alley.
A passer-by saw his dilemma, and asked if he could help.
"Yes, thank you" said the blind man, "I was trying to get to the subway."
The man leaned over to the dog, and said slowly and distinctly into the dog's ear, "TAKE - HIM - TO - THE - SUBWAY!"

Dog marking this site

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